I say it probably weekly in my posts about my kids. They just grow up too fast! That is why this post is so important to me. I'm going to go a little "deep" and emotional with you all in this post. Did I ever mention when I was little I always wanted to be an author (as well as a mommy)? Well, some days I think that urge still hits me and those are the days you find yourself trying to sneak on the blog for a minute to get a quick fix of my three little cuties and before you know it, you are stuck for 20 minutes reading my neverending "insights" on life. Ha,ha. My apologies ahead of time.
So tonight started out as a relatively normal night. With Christmas fast approaching, the kids and I have been trying to sneak in a few Christmas classics here and there. We don't watch much TV around here. We don't even have cable these days, but once a week (or maybe even every two weeks), the kids do watch a TV show on Netflix or we throw a DVD in. Tonight though was going to be a special showing. I had scoured the internet and the local stores in search of what was my all-time favorite Christmas movie (or at least I think it was? It's the one I can recall watching over and over again but maybe my mom will say differently about my favorite. In my eyes though this is what I remember watching as a child), and I finally ordered it on Amazon (for a measly $4.96.. maybe not everyone shares my excitment over the movie?). I know, I am making you hold your suspense. My favorite movie was "Prancer". It could have been because the main character's name is Jessica though and not because it was a good movie. I can't even remember when I watched it last or how old I was when I watched it constantly. Nevertheless, my kids have been hearing me rave about this movie for weeks. They were very excited. Jonathan was home so we grabbed pizza for dinner and sat down for a true movie night.
The movie starts and at first it seems fine, but there's a big difference between when I was a kid and now. You see, now I'm a PARENT. And what never bothered me before is suddenly driving me crazy. The movie was cute, but I was cringing every ten minutes at things my kids were asking and being privy to. (Yes, this is the last time I will air a show I haven't previewed in my parenting years prior to showing them). "Mommy, why is she at the mall seeing Santa without an adult?" "Mommy, why did she climb out her bedroom window?" "Mommy, why did her mom die?"
My kids pay attention to every.single.detail of every.single.day. They really do. Things I think slide by them will suddenly surface months later. Take for instance the death of my parent's dog: That was the first experience they had with death. I remember how hard it was to try to explain why they wouldn't see Buddy when we went for Thanksgiving last year, trying to explain enough to help them understand without having to give too many details. It went over well I thought and then suddenly two months ago, we are driving in the car listening to upbeat music, no dog or subject of death in the air and Justin says, "Mommy, why did Buddy have to go to Heaven? What is he doing in Heaven?" And just like that I had to explain it even more. We are talking almost a year later and the subject resurfaces out of the blue. Kids don't forget ANYTHING!
So, this brings me to my main subject of my post. This is an issue that Jonathan and I (and probably any of you that are parents deal with on a very regular basis). Parenting is H-A-R-D. Seriously, I wanted to be a mommy every day of my life and still nothing could have prepared me for how emotionally stressful parenting is. Every choice you make effects this innocent child(ren), that you wish you could keep innocent forever. Who doesn't want to think the way kids do? They have amazing imaginations and for a while they truly believe everything is good. There is always this issue of what to explain to our kids and what to let them be naive about longer. The world is such a scary place. My goal is to let them be little as long as I can. I can't control everything they learn and hear about, especially now that Katelynn is in school, but those things I have a choice about, I chose to keep hidden. Already I feel like Katelynn has so many fears. She has to worry about strangers and death and tornados and thunderstorms and car accidents (although I don't know if she realizes just yet that car accidents can kill you). We had no choice but to teach her about strangers at an early age to keep her safe. Since kindergarten has started, I feel like that list of fears has grown. Her best friend's dad is deceased and now a little girl in her school has passed away so now she has this fear of not wanting to die and not wanting her mommy and daddy to die to add to that list that once only consisted of animals going to heaven. When I put her to bed at night, we have to go through a list of questions where all she wants is the same, reassuring answer every night: "Mommy, is it going to storm tonight?" ("No, baby, it's not."); "Mommy, I'm scared." ("You are perfectly safe in the house. Mommy and Daddy are here to keep you safe."); etc. They grow up way too quickly already. I'm going to hold onto every single second I have left of them being little and naive about how awful our world really can be. Not everyone will agree with me. I get that. It's the same as this ongoing discussion parents have about whether it's right to let your children believe in Santa and the Easter Bunny. We all have our own beliefs; We all are just trying to do what's best for our children. This was never something I fully understood until I had my own kids,but now I get it. I understand it so well. I wish things were different. I wish I didn't have to try to sheild my kids from so much of the outside world, but they have a lifetime to worry about and form opinions on everything out there, and I just want to enjoy every minute of them being naive and happy with the world.. even if it is only for a few extra days, months, or years.
So, yes, I choose to let them be little as long as I can..... and I guess that means I will be staying up late some nights to preview any movies I am so excited to show them before I do so! :)
