So I love to blog about all the exciting, fun times we have here at the Miller House, but as with any family, not every day is all fun and games around here. Today has been one of those days... or rather tonight... that was not so fun. This has been going on a while now, but I just recently have come to the realization that there isn't any other reasoning for it other than that Justin misses his daddy, and it is breaking my heart into a million pieces tonight. I can't tell you how hard it was for me not to pick up the phone tonight and call Jonathan and tell him to just quit his stupid job and get home NOW! Of course, in a world where everything costs a pretty penny and being a stay-at-home mom who is not supporting my family financially at all, I can't do that. I still wish I could though. Instead I am venting to a blog about how fustrating it was to watch my little man so distraught over his Daddy being too far away to give him a hug tonight, and thankfully my husband is not a frequent visitor to this blog because I am not going to tell him how awful tonight was until he is home. There is no sense making it harder on him tonight than it already is being away from his family.
Early in September Justin started waking up on occassion throwing tantrums. They are unlike anything I have ever seen before. Nothing I do can calm him down (and trust me I have tried everything at this point!). Almost always, he gets to a point where he is swinging his hand at me hitting if I am close enough. He just sits there and cries and doesn't really even understand himself why he is doing it. Sometimes it lasts ten minutes; sometimes an hour. I try to give him space, hug him, talk about his favorite things- any distraction I can think of, but there is nothing specific that ever works to stop them. At first I thought they were night terrors and then I thought they were associated to him being overtired (he no longer naps for the most part), but it didn't seem to matter what I did to try to prevent them or get to the bottom of them, I have not been able to stop them from occuring. There is only one common denominator in that they always occur either the night before Jonathan leaves to go out of town (after we have told Justin and explained to him) or while Jonathan is away. This week has really confirmed to me that they are 100% associated with missing Daddy. It started the morning Jonathan left when Justin woke up and knew he had left, and tonight was the second one (less than 36 hours from when Daddy left). Most of the time when I try to talk to Justin after they are over, he says he doesn't know why he acted like that. Both Monday morning and tonight when I asked him why he was so upset, he said, "Because I don't want you to go away, Mommy." He said the exact same sentence both times. When he said it on Monday, I thought he was referring to the fact that I had left his room for a little bit, trying to give him space (sometimes I will leave him alone to see if it helps since trying to touch him or do anything for him upsets him and sometimes I just stay there the entire time continuing to offer my support until he is over the tantrum. I don't really know the right answer for how to deal with them so I just do what I can and remain calm.) Tonight though I never left his side and he still said the same words.
We had talked about Daddy a lot tonight, and Justin fell asleep talking about how much Daddy likes him to make good choices, not bad choices. I can't be sure, but I am guessing that he kept thinking about Daddy and dreaming about him and maybe he has a fear that everyone will leave him? I don't know. All I keep saying when he says that is, "Mommy will never go away and leave you Justin and Daddy only goes to work to make money. He always comes back home. He loves us and misses us just like we love and miss him." It just breaks my heart that he doesn't fully understand the entire situation or how to handle it. I want to help make it better for him, but I just can't seem to find anything to fix it for him. Daddy not traveling is just not an option. Oh how I wish it was. It's hard not having Jonathan home every night and this added to it makes it so rough. If only we could live in a perfect world.....
And that is where I stopped. I think because Ryan was waking. It was a long, tiresome night and of course now that it's over and my little boy is playing and smiling today, it doesn't seem quite as bad as it did when I was enduring it last night. Please pray for us though. Traveling doesn't seem like it is going to let up anytime soon, and I don't know how much more of watching Justin go through this I can take.
And just so I can end this vent on a happy note, here is that smiling, little man from a picture I took today!
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